Child Custody and Making the Right Decision

A world that had hitherto been stable and secure can suddenly seem to fall apart with uncertainty looming ahead. Even in the case of an amicable divorce, the children from the marriage do suffer. If the divorce is messy then it can cause irrevocable damage to a child's confidence, his thoughts and his belief.

Mine, Yours and Ours

When a couple decides to get divorced, material things can easily be shared. Even a house can be divided if the need arises but when children are involved, deciding on custody is an extremely painful experience for both, the children and the parents. The very foundation of a child's life is shaken. A child does not know what to hold sacred, who to trust, what to look forward to and to make matters worse, more often than not has to choose between the two people he/she loves most in the world. A father who a child loves, trusts and adulates may have betrayed the trust of the mother who is the center of his/her world. How then can they possibly choose without feeling torn apart

Joint Legal Custody

In instances where parents try to minimise the repercussions of divorce to their children, they usually go in for joint legal custody. This scenario is also known as shared parenting where the children shuttle between their parents and spend equal time with each of them. While this is perhaps the most amicable solution in the aftermath of a divorce, it definitely does not mean that all is now back to being perfect for the children. While some children could learn to take the new situation in their stride, happy to at least have time with both parents, there are children who become increasingly unsettled and feel a deep need to have a single home with both parents. Most children display distinct reactionary behavioural patterns post divorce. Even when they share equal time with both parents, they can get resentful, moody and withdrawn. It takes a lot of joint effort and commitment from both parents to re-build lost confidence.

Sole Legal Custody

When a divorce is the result of abuse, alcoholism, crime etc, authorities can decide to favour the more stable parent with sole legal custody which means there is very little any involvement at all of the parent without custody. While the rationale behind this is to secure the child's future and keep him away from an abusive, irresponsible parent, the fact of the matter remains that the child is deprived. Single parents have to make a hundred times more effort to give a child a sense of balance.

Custody Issues

Couples getting a divorce, despite having joint legal custody can decide to allow a child to live with one parent. This is usually done to give the child a greater sense of stability, though all decisions involving the child are jointly made. However, when custody is shared and children divide their time between parents, it could sometimes mean spending a few days of the week under one roof and the rest under another.

Joint custody becomes extremely difficult emotionally and logistically, if one parent moves to a different city or country. Physical distance puts paid to the best plans and the child will miss out on one parent while growing up.

Mothers have historically been considered the better parent to hand over custody. This however does not necessarily have to be true in every case. If a woman is an alcoholic, career obsessed, mentally unstable etc, she definitely will not be able to give the child a secure upbringing. Even in cases where the mother is perfectly capable, a particular child might need the firm and reassuring presence of the father.

Single fathers may not be the first choice to raise a child but in an emancipated world, where men and women are on equal footing, a man could have the qualities that can give a child a good home environment. A single father, who takes it upon himself to be there for his child and not let his career and other interests come in the way, can be a great home maker.

Increasingly one hears of gay men adopting children and doing a great job bringing them up. If a situation requires that only a single parent brings up a child, it should be the most responsible parent and not necessarily only the mother.