Homulus Saphienus Audiophilius Humane

Homulus Saphienus Audiophilius Humane (A humorous approach to Audiophile Mania)
Ozhan Atalay

It's a kind of hopeless creature that survives in our world for more then fifty years.

Made of one sex only. Due to female kinds are not available, it can not grow by doing sex. He keeps up their generation by splitting like amoebas.

He has a special method to keep up his generation. He finds an ignorant disciple and becomes a good advisor to him. He then sells all his crap equipments to him. If he is fair enough, good equipments may be purchased with good prices. If not, a very pleasant trading event occurs and all the second hand crap was sold by twice of the market price.

These transactions are called as driving actions or beating actions around the society of Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane

When the ignorant disciple becomes educated in time, he realises the nature of driver actions. He froze the relationship with his hero and tries to find out a disciple for himself. So, their population keeps up growing.

Due to the fact above, very unpleasant Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane criticizes his former disciple in every platform even with his grand mother by the claim that "he does wrong things and buys wrong equipments."

Some sort of intelligent trading guys discovered such peculiarities of Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane, make above mentioned driver and beating actions professionally with a good pleasure.

An interconnect cable which cost was 10 $ is purchased by 200$ in the Homulus saphienus audiophilius human's world but nobody likes it. The producer wraps, 1$ worth of shielding around, nylon and other enlarging stuff to enlarge, very necessary wooden box is added and the same cable is sold to 2.000 $. This cable becomes the reference cable of all Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane

He is determined. He's never happy with his equipment buys but keeps up buying.

He does not like at all if the equipment is thin, small and light. He adds some sort of feet or platform underneath to look bigger, puts some marble or brick on top to make it heavy.

He buys the biggest loudspeaker available. He even prefers smallest listening rooms, so the speakers look bigger.

He purchases the most powerful amplifier but listens at the least volume. He calls this headroom. He does not care spending 100 times more money to non used watts rather then actual consumed power.

He is pious. He believes in two holly books called Stereophilus and Soundus Absolitus. He 100% recognizes the validity of the articles and never accepts any critics about them.

He purchases equipment by coincidence with a good price. Than surfs on internet for days to validate his purchase and to collect evidence that "it was one of the best equipments in the world". Then he tries to persuade others that "he had made investigation for a long in advance and decided to purchase it particularly".

Some of their kinds do not like taking risk. These kinds do not trust in their ears, hence purchase the same brands that most of the others use. If he is faced by any critics, samples the others as reference.

He collects thousands of CDs but only listens at a few of his references. Rest of the CD's are just to show off.

Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane sometimes listen at music. But this is generally due to selecting them for the audiophile meeting coming on weekend in his house. He picks up the best records in advance, mark them very intelligently throughout other CD's. Once the listening session comes, he goes to his CD rack picks up one by change and demonstrates his system to others. The message is clear "his system is capable of playing any ordinary selected CDs perfectly".

He is lofty. Although he was communicated by email five times to participate Hi-Fi Club meeting on next Wednesday, he does not attend if not called personally by phone.

He is introvert. He does not like to be together with others so long. He likes to be called always and he likes to be out of reach. He establishes one of the biggest Hi-Fi clubs in the world in Istanbul, achieves to 160 members but twenty-five of them may came together in a formal meeting at maximum.

Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane does not attend to live acoustic concerts. He is proud of his brother who performs percussion. He believes that he is keen on natural sounds due to his brother. If he sometimes goes to a concert by a free invitation ticket, it is most probably not an acoustic concert. He tries to achieve the same crap sound at home.

Pure Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane tries to achieve the most natural sound but he doesn't know what the natural sound is. He listens at live acoustic piano from few centimetres but finds the sound dull. He insists that the real piano should have been more detailed and open. If he finds a big concert piano by change in somewhere, he puts his head inside of the body and EUREKA, this is the piano sound he was looking for.

He purchases an equipment to 3.000 $, adds an electric wire costs 3.000 $, adds a platform underneath costs 2.000 $, changes the tubes by NOS cost 1.000 $ and then listens at.

But he is still dissatisfied. After a while, replaces the original internal cables of the unit, sockets, plugs, resistors, capacitors, spends another 2.000 $ for that. He sells that equipment to 1.000 $ six months later. That case is repeated for years.

Not to forget here that he spoils couple of equipments due to the fact above and spends considerable amount of money and time to get them fixed.

He knows everything better then others. He reads two magazines, makes few tweaks, and then tells in long sentences as if no one knows what he is talking about. He even adds a couple of body work, hands, arms, fingers to his talking to make it more attractive. When talking in excitement, he does not realise that the others watch him in astonished faces.

He often does not like the sound of another audiphilus's system. He immediately accuses a particular component in the hi-fi chain in spite he does not know any of the components in the chain. "You will have very good sound if you change your CD player ...."

He immediately accuses the entire system in spite there was a recording error in CD. "Something is wrong with your system; I heard a distortion on that track"

He reads a lot but not to learn or to enjoy. His aim is to show off others how knowledgeable he is. He tries not to forget at least up to the weekend that they will come together with other audiphilus's.

If his expressions are not well regarded by the other Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane, he does not argue at all. He references such, such web sites ... my friend, you should read .... Web site first of all and after should dance with me

When going to other Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane for listening sessions, he takes his reference CD's with him. He listens at them maximum for two minutes and expresses with a strange looking face that �I heard what should I hear, you may turn your system off and we can chat�

If he was invited for a listening session, he pretends not concentrating the owner's system. However, you can make sure that he was comparing the sound with his own system. He does not classify his thoughts if he likes the sound.

If the system sounds good, he rejects other music offered by the owner. He tries to direct the listening session to the chatting session by asking to the person sitting next to him, .... How does your system business going my friend, any equipment changes!

If he does not find the sound similar to his system, he interrupts the listening session, volume is get down and the tweaks, recommendations are blustered away with other Homulus saphienus audiophilius humans in chorus. Sometimes he is such desperate that does not recognize five hours passed like that. He suddenly abandons on call of his wife.

He purchases a new speaker by spending all of his money; he thinks that it was a good purchase. He calls other Homulus saphienus audiophilius humans to show how good they are sounding! At the end of the day, he is such a sad and planning to sell his speaker by half price. These transactions are called giving shit in Homulus saphienus audiophilius human�s world. Giving shit is maximised at the car park or in the night by telephone traffic of invitees.

He is consistent. He purchases equipment. After a month looses his enthusiasm unnecessarily, sells it to half price. He runs down the equipment to anybody including his grand mother. After six months, he listens at the same equipment in somewhere else but likes the sound; he purchases it again by saying "his problem was in somewhere else".

Above mentioned movements occur several times; eventually he makes his final decision that this equipment is not good.

If he decides to sell his equipment, he takes it with him to a friend for his own testing purposes. If the fish is in the hook, he sells the equipment involuntarily due not to upset his best friend

A kind of Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane likes wherever he listens at to and sells his system to it's half price next day.

Another kind of Homulus saphienus audiophilius humane does not like wherever he listens at to. He makes everything to make the system owner sells his system to its half price on the next day. Such kinds sometimes feel prick of conscience due to their blames that they would go to hell one day and listen walkman in there.

He purchases an interconnect cost 3.000 $, tells to his wife that he paid only 30 $ to it. His wife thinks "giving 30 $ to such a shit is idiocy. He even does not listen to his friend who is in construction business repeatedly says "the cabling of entire building of 15 floors cost less then 3.000 $ to his construction company"

If the has a large audiophile companion, a cable purchase may last for maximum six months. He will receive full recommendations from everybody that "why he shouldn't use that cable". Eventually it is for sure that the cable will be sold to half of buying price. Due to that fact, it is a big opportunity to follow up the cable purchases of such kind of Homulus saphienus audiophilius humans. You may purchase a just burned in brand new cable by that occasion to half price.

He goes to someone for listening session but does not like the sound. He goes back home and does not like the sound either. He became furious and starts popping in to hi-end shops quietly. If a couple of Homulus saphienus audiophilius popped in to the shop together, it is for sure that they just came for chatting. But if a single Homulus saphienus audiophilius human popped in before noon time, it is for sure that the opportunity of new beating action is coming.

He likes the back side of components rather the front faces. When he pays you a visit, he immediately looks at the back side of the equipments if the connectors are WBT, Watt Agates etc, etc.
He spends years and eventually makes an excellent system but listens at drum solos, cymbals, garage door noise, spit, etc rather then music.

Recording companies include such silly noises as creaks, squeaks, rain noises, car noises to the background of the records to make the Homulus saphienus audiophilius humans happy. Such CD's became so popular within that world and all the systems are tested by these records such as Jazz at the Pawn Shop.
Another kind spends fortune to combine a perfect system but purchases piracy copied CD's in order not to pay 15 $ to a CD.

Homulus saphienus audiophilius man is very hopeless creature. Measures should be taken by the authorities to keep up their generation. This letter should be recognised as a warning letter to the authorities.

August 2003 Ozhan Atalay www.nonamehifi.com