Tears, Thanksgiving and Mom

For us, holidays were a bad memory. This time in our life became something that held you back from doing things like other kids. They didn't face the turmoil you were going through.

I remember it to this day. Coming up from the lower floor of the house, I notice mom running down the stairs to the same floor I was headed. My sister was not noticeable around then, being in her room. "Their coming to get us”. Mom said, her voice trembling and the look of fear in her face. "Who" I asked, not knowing what to do. "The police, their coming to get us"...Again her voice trembled and mom running back up the stairs she came from and into her room. I was terrified. Mom was the same way.
That day rings loud and clear for me. My heart sinks as I realize today, mom was suffering from a mental breakdown. My mother was gone. Yes, she was there in the physical being, but departed mentally.

Later dad told us it was a sickness. Mom was indeed taken, but not by the police. She was taken to a special hospital in a little town far from where we were. As I recall this, I try to think about the holidays at this time. Then I shake my head, knowing that for us, till mom got well there was no holiday.

Dad worked hard to get us ready during this time mom was gone. We had friends who would take care of my sister while I was as school. I would come home to their house and wait till dad came and we would go home. Then I would cook dinner for us. The house would be lonely with no mother to comfort or guide us. No mom to wrap their arms around us and understand our hurts or problems. Dad was there, but an important part of our family was not. I cannot tell you how much this had an effect on me as a young man growing up. I became withdrawn and passive. Not getting involved in much of anything. I strove to help dad and my sister. Time was the enemy, for late at night, in my bed, I knew I would face another day without mom.
As time went on, thanksgiving and Christmas came. Certain times when dad could get off, we would take a weekend to visit mom. The drive to go see mom was terrible for young minds. We would sit in the backseat of the car and drive endlessly it seemed. The hospital where mom was seems so far. It indeed was. The trip alone was six hours or so. Then with kids and stopping for various reasons the trip seemed so long. We would stay in a motel in the town where mom was. At first the visits actually meant for Dad to go inside and we kids had to wait in the car. Then at the proper time, mom would look out from a window with bars on them and wave at us kids. Later on, mom would be able to come and visit with us. But that never lasted long. She was much thinner now. Mom smiled and hugged us, but then she was gone. Time had come; we would pack up and leave that town which held my mother hostage. That was my holidays, painful. The gifts, the trees meant nothing. For a short while they would pacify my young mind and spirit. Then drifting, my heart would sink.

During those months I would try to help my sister and dad cope. Doing our best, we pulled together. All the while at school it was a nightmare. No one understood me. I was harassed by other kids. I was lonely and withdrawing more daily. I had one friend and at times we had fun. My sister being so young I never fully came to know how much an impact this had on her. Later on in life, she would reveal to me the heartaches she had come to know during this time.

After the holidays, birthdays came and went. The same thing would go on. Drive forever and visit for a short while, then come home. Without mom. Then one day, mom was released. The doctors, dad said had helped mom. The time of any person’s life, as least mine, was when mom came home.

You see, mom was sick allot during my life growing up and even into adulthood. She faced many problems, although she did better than most with her sickness. I have spent allot of years without her. For me, my mother was always sick; this created a hardship on everyone. But, for her, mom desperate fight to win this battle would eventually take her home to be with the Lord at an early age.
Even though this battle of mom affected us all, for me Thanksgiving and Christmas was about having her there. Together we would celebrate and give thanks to the Lord. Without her, it seemed a dry and distant time. Devoid of reasoning. I have asked myself a thousand times why. In the last years of her life, there was only one time in five years I remember that I could hold a conversation like we use too. This talk with my mom lasted only five to ten minutes, and then in a flash she was gone. Her physical body was there, but she was somewhere else. I don't know why, tears come as I think of this. My heart still sinks.

But, oh the joy of the holidays when mom was well. I can remember my grandparents coming in from the farm. We would all get together and enjoy our blessings. Pray over the food, give thanks to the Lord and dive in. The golden turkey, the oyster stuffing was the best, home backed rolls, and the smell of the pies whiffed through the house. The table was set with the finest silver mom had. The table cloth was one that had been crocheted. A white one. Upon this went the fixings.

During this time, it seemed time stood still for a moment. I can still see it, like a picture out of a painting. I see the table, grandmother, mom, dad, grandpa and us kids. The house is full of happiness.
Christmas time was the same thing. Plenty of food, goodies, presents, and the tree. Lights, tinsel, pine, needles, and the special place below the tree. That was my place. I would snuggle under the tree and look up from the base of it. Peering along the tree trunk up through the branches to the top of the tree. Along the way was bulbs glittering and blinking. I would lay there with all the lights off in the living room where the tree was. Then take in a big whiff of pine, I would look up and enjoy the moment.

That was the holidays. This was the special time and moment in anyone’s life when blessings and knowing God has been good to you.

But, when mom was sick, this scene was not the one I had known. During that time I cannot remember the thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Nor the presents or any fun. I cannot think of anything good that went on. I don't even remember being particularly blessed or thinking God had been good to me. In fact, I couldn't believe the Lord would do that to us.

Over time, as I think back now. The Lord was good to us during that time. I may not remember the holiday, but there was a family. Short of one person, yes, but struggling to make it. Just one more day, one more hour, one more dinner, one more thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more new year, one more birthday. That’s right, just one more. I lived that for the whole time mom was sick.

I thank the Lord today I had a dad that stuck with mom during those years. I told him so. Dad looked at me and said "I stayed with your mother all those years because of my conscience, and that one day I would have to face the Lord". Dad later admitted to me that during those years mom's sickness consumed him so much, he put the Lord on the shelf.

Today, this family is short one member. Mom is gone. The holidays don't quite have that sparkle when I was a kid and mom was there. The turkey, the table, grandma and grandpa and the whole holiday adventure is not the same. But, we are going on. We are very thankful to the Lord for His blessings. Times have been tough. They are for many people today. I have two grown children, a grandchild, and a son-in-law. I have a great wife of 32 years and my dad, well he is great. I love them all. Sure I miss mom, but the holiday this year will be a good one. For the Lord has seen me and my family through much. I know when we carve that turkey this year; mom will be looking on and smiling. She always wanted the part that "went over the fence last"...You know what that is the tail... I will just smile back and think Mom; this one is for you...