The Art of Saying I'm Sorry

Let's face it, you messed up. Whether it was a moment of sheer absent mindedness, or a deliberate act of malice or self indulging, the bottom line is you need to make up for your relationship mistake. Step one in achieving forgiveness is to admit to your mistake and offer a sincere apology. This step one apology can differ depending on the level of how bad you blew it (see levels below). For small mistakes, an earnest statement of regret spoken with sincerity should do. For big mistakes, the best recipe to consider may be the blubbery stammering of words and feelings mixed with a wet cheek and a slight hint of "quiver chin." Step one relies mostly on your sincerity, or at the very least your presentation toward the appearance of being sincere. If you've succeeded in breaking down the walls of forgiveness after step one, great, step two will hoist the sheet for smooth sailing ahead. If however you failed to reach forgiveness with a simple apology, or somehow made things worse, step two may be your only hope for salvation. What is step two? The oh-so-important art of giving the "I'm Sorry" Gift. And because you don't know whether the apology is going to work or not, you better come more prepared for Step 2 than a dump truck full of boy scouts and cloned McGuivers.

Different levels of botch-jobs require different levels of gifts. Confucius once commented on the art of I'm Sorry Gift Giving to which he stated "Do not use a cannon to kill a mosquito." Actually, I made the gift giving part up, but he did say it and it never the less applies to your dilemma. If you made a small mistake don't go buying Volvo's and planning magical mystery tours around the world. This will only suggest that you're trying to flat out buy her forgiveness with a Godfather style offer she can't refuse. It could also suggest that you've done something way worse that you're trying to conceal. On the other hand, you don't want to plug the dam with a piece of chewing gum. If you've utterly disgraced yourself, you don't want to come knocking at your partner's door with a pack of Necco Wafers and a sack of used trinkets.

To help you avoid embarrassing yourself further by giving a horrible / inappropriate gift, here's a time tested flowchart to help you get back into good graces (before we move on...Step 1: I have no idea what a flowchart is and...sniff sniff.....I'm sorry if I caused any confusion). Let's not use the word "flowchart" and break it down by the degree to which you blew it (including a list of common offenses) and the apology gifts that correspond appropriately. You can take this information to the bank; just don't hit on the teller.

Defcon 1 - This is the least severe level to be at, but at the same time you don't want the virus to spread. You'll know you're at this level if there's excessive pouting and/or more than a few snide remarks aimed in your direction. Some offenses associated with this level may include neglecting your household duties, forgetting to call and check in, persistent nagging, or a minor loss of one's temper. If you're at this point, a simple apology will most likely bring things back to an even keel. A very small gift such as a card is also appropriate, but a kind gesture will most likely give you more mileage.

Defcon 2 - This level is a bit more serious. You'll find yourself here if you've been caught flirting, were disrespectful to your partners family, were rude, are habitually nagging, flew off the handle and lose your cool pretty bad, made a comment about your partners weight or looks, spent too much money, or stayed out late with no good explanation. This level is usually characterized by one solid outburst of anger followed by the dreaded "silent treatment." If you're at this stage, you and Lucy got sum splane-in to do. You're probably going to need flowers or candy at the very least. A simple jewelry item also works, just don't go crazy. Another great option is to prepare a homemade/romantic dinner, just don't choose this option if the reason for your argument was the result of a weight comment.

Defcon 3 - Oh boy. Tread lightly my friend, because you're walking on eggshells (or just plain eggs...neither are particularly suitable for walking). If you're at Level 3, you really really dropped the ball, and then maybe you tried to make out with it or something, who knows what you're up to. You'll recognize if you're at Level 3 when you see your partner transform into a creature from Gremlins 2 when within close proximity of you, and at the same time you're sleeping on the couch every night. This stage normally arises after you've done something like got caught contacting your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, have had your previous Myspace page discovered, got bagged for taking off your wedding ring in public for nefarious purposes, forgot a birthday or anniversary, or lost a large chunk of change to "Jimmie Sweatpants" the local gambling bookie. For situations like this, you're going to have to step it up on the gift giving side. Expensive jewelry is always a disaster saving staple, and I suggest you make use of it. Other options include sending a nice gift to your partner's office, making a public display of commitment or apology, planning a romantic trip, or getting a tattoo of your partner's name. Keep in mind the tattoo isn't for everyone and could spark more controversy, just make sure your partner doesn't mind them and that you spell their name right.

Defcon 4 - At this point your belongings are most likely covered in some sort of foreign substance (possibly alien) and can be seen strewn across the lawn. Defcon 4 is reserved for completely inexcusable behavior such as having an affair, living a double life, secretly using a dating service, skipping town, or hiding the fact that you have children from a previous relationship. Your only options at this point are to offer to go to marriage counseling, renew your wedding vows (pay attention this time), buy them a new car, or buy a new house. Amazingly, really expensive jewelry has also been known to work, just ask Kobe Bryant. Whatever apology path you choose, good luck to you, you're going to need it.