Why Do We Fight with Our Teenagers

For 13 years you have slaved and worried. You have changed diapers, nursed them through chickenpox, cried on their first day at school, cheered for them in the school Christmas play, patched up skinned knees, and packed their lunch box for their first day at secondary school.

Surely those were the hardest years Now they are growing up. Now they are a bit more independent, a bit more mature, surely things will get easier They are big enough to help out with some chores. They can look after themselves for an evening if you want a well earned night off. You can have sensible conversations with them.

So what goes wrong when they hit that 13th Birthday In many cultures they would now be considered adults - old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur

There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.

The first is that the teen years are a period of amazing brain development. The brain is an ever changing machine - almost like a self-programming computer. It is constantly making, strengthening, weakening and breaking connections. It is these connections that form the basis of memory, of learned skills, of perception, and of social reasoning.

During the first twelve years the brain learns a lot - it changes the child from a non-verbal, poorly coordinated baby to a verbal, literate, sociable and pretty competent pre- teen.

Then the teenage years hit the brain like a tornado. The brain goes into a state of shambles after which it rebuilds itself. While your brain is rebuilding itself your child might not be able to do some of the things they could before. For example, speaking to the opposite sex has suddenly become virtually impossible without becoming quite nervous. Throughout the teen years your child will need to understand the components of social interaction and how they fit into the whole social scene. They will make friends and strive to find their sexual ife partner.

Understanding the intricacies of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its modes of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This conflict can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes confusing.

This tug-of-war is also affected greatly by the ups and downs of their sex hormones. Plus, teens tend to stay up late and skip much needed sleep. These factors together can make for one feisty teenager.

Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are older. They hear every day from many sources that they "should" be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.

But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it "should not" be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.

The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.

How do you deal with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions You can try some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just fed up with what they are doing, take heed of the following:

1) Bickering and yelling will get you no closer to a resolution.

2) Your teen, like you, is simply trying to achieve the very best outcome that he or she can, given her current abilities and perspectives (which are probably different to yours),

3) It is important to note that your teenager is still trying to understand their role in life and also may not understand either why the two of you are fighting.

4) Whose problem is this Whose agenda What, exactly, will happen if the outcome of all of this is opposite to your desires Does that *really* matter, in the grand scheme of things

5) Try to think of different ways of working with your teenager besides forcing them to take your point of view.

6) The teen years will pass - they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories

With that being said, it is a good idea to have rules and expectations. However, don't get so uptight. Don't be so strict that your teenager wants to avoid you. Determine how to have fun together so you can both get through the teenage years with smiles on your faces and love in your hearts.