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Divorce Recovery: Beware Expectations! In a nutshell, expectations are premeditated resentments and disappointments. They are self-sabotaging beliefs we hold that literally set us up to feel bad and keep us stuck in the pain of our divorce. They are in direct conflict with how the world actually works and are based on the phrase, ‘should be’. In order to let go of the pain of our divorce, we must let go of impossible expectations. Divoce Recovery: Are Your Fears Holding You Back? Divorce turns our lives upside down. It throws us into a major life transition that is colored by intense feelings and emotions that can be debilitating. I believe that fear is the main culprit that holds us back from not only healing and letting go of our pain, but also from moving forward into a new life. So it is fear we need to identify and then overcome. Victimhood: The Curse of Divorce Recovery Feeling or labeling yourself a victim of your divorce is one of the most disastrous moves you can make. It will prevent you from moving forward into a new life. Victimhood renders you powerless. To create a new life after your divorce takes a person who is fully responsible for their past, present and future. Being responsible means having control over one’s life and that is what it takes to both recover from the emotional wounds of a divorce as well as plan for your new life. How to Forgive after Your Divorce Forgiveness is a miraculous act that serves as a release valve that propels us forward into a new life after divorce. To forgive is to be truly free, to be unencumbered by the past. The problem or challenge with forgiveness is that it is very difficult and oftentimes near impossible for us to go there, especially if we are leaving an abusive relationship of some sort. How can we forgive really bad behavior? How can we forgive someone who has wronged or betrayed us? The Real Divorce: Cutitng the ties that Bind Your divorce decree is only step one in moving into a new life after divorce. The real divorce is the cutting of the emotional, mental and physical ties that still bind you to your ex-husband. This is the real work of divorce recovery: becoming a single woman possessed of confidence, self-esteem, an enthusiasm for life and most important, a complete break from the emotional turmoil that led to your divorce in the first place. Moving Beyond Your Divorce There is no single more powerful stumbling block to moving beyond our divorce into a new life than the inability to accept our new reality. Acceptance is the hardest part of the divorce recovery process. Acceptance requires total honesty, courage and the willingness to let go of the life that we had...a life that no longer exists. Without that acceptance, we cannot move forward and create a new life. Divorce Recovery: Releasing Toxic Emotions The way to recover and thrive after divorce is simple: Until you can release the toxic emotions surrounding your divorce, it is impossible for you to move forward in life and be happy. It takes enormous commitment and effort but it can be achieved. If you want to lead a new life that is both fulfilling and happy, you must let go of the negative emotions and thoughts that hold you back from creating a life you love. And guess what else? Who do you suppose pays the biggest price when it comes to toxic emotions? You. Recovering from Divorce: Honor the Truth Do you remember the old adage that states there’s your side, there’s my side and then there’s the truth? If we were totally honest with ourselves, we too could see the truth of any situation. Once we accept that truth, we have the newfound freedom to gain clarity, discover our options and make real choices that are based in reality and not a subjective interpretation of what is. The past no longer runs the show. A world of possibilities opens that we might otherwise have missed. To recover from divorce one must face the truth. How Gratitude Can Change Your Life Thanksgiving is right around the corner, the holiday that has its origin in the Puritans tradition of giving thanks for a good harvest. The Puritans werent the first in this regard. Many religious and societal traditions are based in the concept of gratitude. What all these traditions may or may not have known is that recent scientific studies point to a direct link between gratitude and a deep satisfaction with life. Not only is it good to give thanks, it is good for you to do so! In a study at the University of California at Davis, Professor Robert Emmons came up with some very interesting and illuminating results from his research project on gratitude and thankfulness. Professor Emmons found that people who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events. In addition, participants who kept the journals were more likely to make progress towards their personal goals in life. Creating Positive Changes in Your Life Contrary to a widely held belief that people do not change, I submit to you that people do change and often in dramatic, life-altering ways. I say this with full confidence as I have witnessed it happen time and time again. Creating positive change in your life is totally possible. You can change yourself and thereby your life. The Good Life I was listening to the MSNBC on the radio the other day when a feature came on entitled, The Good Life. They proceeded to discuss a $14,000 dessert being offered in Sri Lanka that included, amongst other things, an aquamarine. No kidding. This is how MSNBC characterizes the good life. It struck me how in our culture we define the good life more in terms of the consumption of material goods than in relationship to any other quality. What is a good life? The Second Half of Life Aside from the physical aspects of aging, the over-riding transition I am experiencing right now is the realization that time is finite. Of all the things I still long to do, Ill need to do them soon or give them up. The future doesnt stretch out infinitely like it used to. Given the fact that I have lived for over half a century, a stretch of another 20 years doesnt seem like a great deal of time anymore. Relationships Change: How to Keep Them Relationships. Why do they change? So often we find ourselves struggling to maintain a long-term relationship that somehow doesn't feel as good as it used to. Our sense of history and loyalty motivate us to do whatever we can to keep that relationship alive. How do we know when it is time to move on? When it is time to do more work on that relationship? Our Children's Future: Ensuring Their Way We worry about our kids: their well-being and a happy future is our main concern in life. We long for them to happy and successful at whatever they choose to do. We hope that we will be able to provide them with the help that many of us received from our own parents. How can we ensure that we have done everything in our power to see that all this might come to pass? Our Aging Parents: How to Cope I am now in the generation whose parents are getting old and sick. Its the cycle of life. I remember when my grandfather was in the hospital dying. My Father was by his bedside all the time. Now we are facing that stark reality: our parents decline and their mortality. Our parents are in a stage of life that is not only difficult for them but for us as well, physically and mentally. How do we deal with the inevitable changes they go through? How do we create a relationship that will support them during these difficult times? How to Stop Bad Habits In the process of Life Coaching, we often find that people do just thatcontinue on with habitual behaviors that not only dont work but actually hurt. We fall into a pattern and we stick with it come hell or high water. We operate on automatic pilot. We think we are making real choices in our actions but far from it. Habitual behavior runs us. We arent really in control of our life. The good news is that habits, either bad or good, can be learned. Divorce: Creating a New Life Initially, separation and the divorce from your spouse is an incredibly wrenching and shocking experience. This early period of huge change and loss is extremely difficult but, speaking as a survivor of divorce, I can tell you firsthand that we do survive it and more often than not, go on to an even better life that is based on our personal values and passions. Transforming Your Relationship It may to difficult to accept but the ingredients for a happy and fulfilling relationship with your significant other or spouse rests on the foundation of acceptance. Acceptance of the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Acceptance of who that person is at their core. Acceptance of all the little things they do. Conscious Living: The Key to Lasting Change When we are living our lives in a state of true awareness wherein we are truly conscious of our actions, we can free ourselves from reactive, self defeating behavior and realize our personal best. Unfortunately, although we may think that we make conscious decisions, in reality our unconscious mind impacts our behavior. Our actions are therefore not truly under our control. We can learn to recognize the unconscious, that part of our mind that has great power over much of our actions without us even being aware of its existence. In doing so, we can diminish its power over us.

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